Adejoke got married to the love of her life after seven years of courtship. The marriage was a huge celebration, in fact, friends and family were all happy because they eventually got married.
Barely a month into the marriage, Adejoke paid me a visit and after talking for a while, she asked me a question “Is fighting part of marriage or love?” I looked up, laughed and told her “it’s part of marriage.” She stared at me and started crying.
Many young ladies got married thinking marriage is a bed of roses. The Yoruba’s say ‘Marriage is a house of learning’. But I tell you if you are not ready to learn, don’t get into that house!
I remembered the first fight I had with my husband when we got married; I left for my parents house and told my mum I was not going back there. She laughed the way I laughed at Adejoke and said ‘for better, for worse’ remember that you signed that. She made me to realize fighting is part of marriage but you must fight fairly, no third parties and the greatest essential ingredient in any relationship is understanding and forgiveness’. Married or dating! Understanding does not come overnight. It could take days or months, even when an issue is at hand, you need to sit down and try to see not only from your own angle but likely angle of your partner. Remember, you are products of two different worlds, even if your partner was formerly your best friend.
All married couples have arguments or rather fights. I stand to say it that, in any relationship, if you have never fought or had reasons to argue, then such relationship is fraudulent. But how you fight is the determining key to whether you will have a successful, long, peaceful marriage or not.
Fighting fairly in your relationship is a critical skill that both parties must strive to learn. The way you fight often tells more than what you fight about. Remember, if you fight fairly, fighting can go a long way to strengthen your marriage or relationship.
Fighting fairly means you know what the issue is. Then both parties must stick to the subject and avoid blaming each other, avoid accusations, avoid bringing up past issue and don’t try to hit below the belt. It is most disastrous trying to get back at your partner. Most times, it leads to wanting to revenge or avenge. When you allow your fight to get to this level, those things that really made your relationship thick now turns to object of revenge.
Conflict is not the problem. In every relationship, there is room for disagreements but not knowing how to effectively argue creates most difficulty. Learn how to fight and fight fairly, you cannot be right all the way. I mean, all the way because in every issue you must have falter one way or the other, or somewhere along the line, either when you are trying to express your grievances or when you are trying to correct your partner.
How to fight fairly:
(1) Keep your fight between two of you. Don’t bring in third parties like friends, in-laws, or even children. Adopt the strategy of ironing things out by listening more to the opinion of the other. Talk less.
(2) Donn’t allow little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes and turn it to big issues, that’s not how to fight.
(3) Be careful how you use humour. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and often time hurting.
The bottom line: Be respectful, both parties, your partner should be your best friend and friendship is based on mutual respect. Don’t bring up old issues. Stay on the subject at hand. Keep the argument between the two of you. Remember that if your relationship collapse, none of you could measure your loss, in respect of time, effort, emotion of the past, present and future. That one relationship fails today is a pointer that another will fail tomorrow. So, why not fight fairly in this and keep it going. Don’t fight to win but fight to correct and make adjustments. After making your points allow your partner to.
Apologies: I do ask myself most times, ‘Why should I stoop so low to apologise’? After all she is at fault. What is he going to think of me? I can’t apologise at all but you know what? It keeps on going and going and going but what it is the gain. However, I think myself into being sensible by asking myself, do you actually want this marriage to work? After all, he is your husband, what are you hiding? You have nothing to lose but gain.
An apology is more than saying ‘I am sorry’. An apology is an attempt to admit you made a mistake; hurt someone’s feelings; did something really stupid; made a bad decision and ready to correct such to guard against future occurrence. You must learn to admit you made a mistake because you don’t have any point to make. You are no longer two but one, so anyone of you can take the blame.
Sex: This is the most disguised cause of fighting that most parties tend to shy away from. However, it creates most problems and resolves most of all fighting. The moment you discover your partner is avoiding physical contact like touching and caressing, sleeping at the edge of the bed, at the sitting room or visitors room then it’s either fight is coming along or fight is still on.
After every fight, a good sex will be the best way to sheath the swords. Your sex life really matters in every relationship. Communication during sex is also recommended, a man can sleep with you and still have issues troubling you.
Fighting fairly is the most required tool to strengthen every relationship. Avoid fighting, it is destructive, but if you must fight, learn to fight correctly by being fair.
